I'm · having · an · episode

Earlier today I was talking to my sister and my mom comes upstairs and she says something like, "They just had a thing on the news.. how to talk to your kids about Jaime Spears' pregnancy. DON'T DO IT [awkwardly pauses for a few seconds] ALANNA DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!? I interject, "Oh look how I'm left out of this!...She knows it's wayyyyy too late!!" My mother shouts back, "SHUT UP YOU!! AM I EVER ALLOWED TO BE SERIOUS?!?!" To which I replied, "Oh mommy I was dead serious." She responded with something like, "HEOFBNAVGUBAPIBHAP", and left.
I love my house.

So today I decided it was time to clean off my car, after I let ice compact on it for 3 days. In my first stupid move, one which I make every day, I wore flats today, IN THE WINTER. As I'm cleaning, this GIANT chunk of ice falls off my car and straight onto my foot. It bled a lot and I think I fucked it up pretty bad. At least I could put some ice on it???
Fuck me.

I also can't stop fucking shaking today. I saw Chris in the mall and I think I freaked him out because I'm so jittery. I just sat here and stared at my hand shaking for the last five minutes. Maybe I need some heroine.

So it's official. With my Christmas money I am going out and getting a tattoo. I refuse to let other people dictate to me how I should live my life. However, I need someone to come with me so I don't cry like a little bitch.

Dear heart,
As much as I love you and appreciate all you do for me, I'd really like it if you stopped palpitating. I don't like being aware that you are there - life is much better when I can ignore you. Please don't take it personally.
Love,
Courtney

PS - If you could quit having a murmur too, that'd be great. I really enjoy caffeine.

I'm a really happy girl lately thanks to a certain someone.
There is no heat in my room and I'm always freezing and that sucks.
Finals need to be over and I need to be home with the people I love.
I wish I could bring Shanna with me, and then life would be complete.

I can't focus for shit anymore. I'm trying to write a 6 page paper and I can't do it. I mean it's getting done, but I have a feeling it's not going to make any sense because I write a sentence every few minutes in between doing other shit. And I need to get a good grade on this. Fuck me. Fuck my not being able to pay attention. Fuck my being sick and my body freaking out right now and having heart palpitations. JDOHFP;HGVPIAHYG;AOUBGIPFHBGP. FUCK.

I swear on my life I will never understand men for as long as I live. Why is it that when I am taken for a year and a half everyone wants to date me and tells me I'm too good for him? And where are they now? I've been single for 2 months and no propositions for a date. [I know I'm putting myself out there to be called vulnerable and desperate, but whatever. I just hate being alone, ok?]
I always get told that I'm intimidating. Why is that? What is so scary about me? Please explain. So what if I reject you, wouldn't you rather have tried than regret it? I don't know I think that's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard in my life.
I just think everyone wants what they can't have, and now that I'm available I'm no longer desirable.
And I know this will significantly lower my self esteem thinking that there is something wrong with me and I'm this horrible, hideous person. And this will lead to me settling for less than I deserve. And the cycle will start all over again.
So pleaseeee intelligent, funny, mature guys, take a chance?

Today was as close to perfect as it gets. I woke up to snow falling outside my window and I was so excited. I absolutely love the snow and winter and everything about it. It also made it real that the holiday season is upon us, my absolute favorite time of year.
I was supposed to go to brunch with Sarah, but she was still sleeping at 8:30, so I ate in the room and worked on editing my paper due tomorrow. I went to government, which was insanely boring but went by quick enough that I didn't feel like I was going to die. I edited some more, went to psych class. We were there for 5 minutes - long enough for her to hand our papers back, which I got an A on, and say Happy Thanksgiving.
I then had a surprise hour off before heading to religion, which was 10 minutes long - we had to take a quiz and then were allowed to leave. This left me with an extra two hours in my day, long enough to watch I Love New York that I'll be missing tonight and finish this paper for good (I even got to sneak in a quick nap)
I then went to art history for 3 hours, which passed quickly as well. The entire back corner started a collective doodling page, where we choose a theme for the day and pass around a paper adding on to each others drawings. I also did the sudoku and crossword in the newspaper, and did some homework that I have to do over break. During our 20 minute break, we went to get coffee and play pool, which turned into a 30 minute break. Our professor didn't seem to notice we came back super late, so that was a plus as well.
Tonight I'll be seeing Bright Eyes at Radio City with Shanna, which is going to be great. Then 2 classes tomorrow and home for Thanksgiving!!!!
Life is good.

And I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It's basically an autoimmune disorder in which my antibodies are attacking my thyroid gland. This is causing it to be underactive and release less of its main hormone, T4. To compensate, my body has been overproducing a hormone called TSH, which is causing things like reactive hypoglycemia and heart palpitations. I need some more blood work and an ultrasound on my thyroid to check out some things, and then I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life to balance out my hormones. I need to see a nutritionist to keep my glycemic index balanced to keep me healthier and everything will be alright after that. I figure if all I have to do is take a pill every day for the rest of my life, I'm doing pretty well.

Well. The past few days have been pretty good. Not too much work considering it's nearing the end of the semester. Watch, I say this now...check back with me in a week or two and see how I'm coping.

Shanna and I have been going to a lot of shows this month, and I'm pretty convinced I will be deaf by December. We've seen Madina Lake twice in the last week because they're finally around for a bit 'til god knows when, so it was nice for her to see her friends. I really hate kids at shows, a lot. I've been having a lot of fun going, but I'm not sure if the fun outweighs my annoyance.

I don't know how I feel about stuff with boys lately, one in particular. There are some days when I miss Dan so much I cry, and other days where I feel like I'm over it. && both of those scare me. I decided to stray away from dating for awhile, because I cannot get a feeling from anyone if they actually like me or just like the novelty that now they can finally have me after a year of being taken. Or maybe they just can't see beyond my face, and I hate that too. I just hate trying to figure people out, even though I'm usually very good at it. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but basically I'm going to try to enjoy time with the girls for a bit.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Once the holiday season officially starts I will be in much better spirits. I know it.

Let me start this rant by saying that I am currently disgusted to call myself a member of the Manhattan College community. Tonight I attended a presentation on the Holocaust during which we were privileged to hear stories from the survivors. We are very likely the last generation to hear these accounts first hand, and I do not think people realize how blessed we are with that opportunity.

With that said, I must express my discontent and utter disgust with the Manhattan College student body. From the very beginning it was clear that students were only there to receive extra credit for their classes, as they were text messaging their friends while the survivors were speaking. To add to the blatantly disrespectful behavior of the students, several began to leave about half way through the presentations. I assume this is because they either (a) had received enough information to write their report, (b) realized it was past 9 on a Tuesday, and it was cutting into their drinking time, or even worse (c) both. I felt ashamed to be sitting amongst these people as more and more began to rise from their seats and leave through the side door.

My feelings of abbhorence only escalated when the Vice President of our school left as well. I could not believe my eyes. I was greatly appalled by such a ungracious act by someone of such authority over the students. What type of message does this send??

As if I am not disgusted enough with my surroundings on a daily basis, I now have this to add to my list of grievances. I already am bombarded every day with stories of how someone was drunk and did something stupid, and how "awesome" it was. I do not find these things amusing, nor are these people I would like to associate with in my personal life. Dealing with these people on an academic level is enough for me to be ashamed of my status as a Jasper, as was clearly displayed by the behavior of my peers and faculty tonight.

I do not understand what could be more important on my peers' agenda. The fact that they believe something is more important or they had heard enough material to leave represents everything I view as wrong with the world today. I sincerely believe the reason genocide continues to plague all areas of the globe unnoticed for so long is for this reason alone, people have more important things to do. People have more important things to do than listen and stand up. History repeats itself, after all. The disrespect shown by my peers tonight not only disgusts me now, but makes me fear for the future.

I am usually not so political in my journal, but I felt that I could not sit back and say nothing about this. The only way for evil people to succeed is for good people to do nothing. People unless slapped on the wrist, having their flaws pointed out, will continue in their ways. I'm currently drafting a letter to the Quadrangle, our school's newspaper as we speak. I cannot sit back and do nothing.

I must say, things are pretty damn good lately.
I got an A on that exam I was so worried about, so now my grade is back up to where I'd like it, and I can relax a little.
I'm going home this weekend to go to a bunch of doctor's appointments, but I'm really just excited to spend time with my family. Laura's baby shower is on Sunday, and then back to school. I feel guilty because Shanna got free tickets to Saints and Sinners aka Glassjaw reunion and I really want to go, but I have the shower. The fact that I considered skipping it for a show makes me a horrible person.
Yesterday was Halloween and it was a lot of fun. I went to class, then had a job interview at Starbucks, & then hung out with Dan and went to the parade. It was really cold out and I was freezing in my little outfit, but it was worth it. Some old lady asked to take a picture of us because she thought we were so cute. People were also a lot less creepy than last year. A lot more families, and I liked that.
( Here are the pictures )

I am sick. Because of my low blood pressure, I have a tendency to pass out at random. Thursday, however, was different. I felt really sick all day, then decided to go to the movies. About 1/2 way in I felt very light headed and I knew it was going to happen, so I put my head in between my legs and tried to stop it. I leaned over to say "I feel sick", and the next thing I know I'm being shaken hysterical. I apparently passed out, and after moving for a few seconds slumped over in my chair. I was shaken to wake up, I threw up and then woke up. I've heard from a million people a million things that could be wrong with me, and I honestly don't know. All I know is it wasn't my blood pressure because I've been dealing with that for years and this felt different to me. Never have I lost control of all body function like that. A lot of people seem to think it was a seizure. I'll be seeing doctors this weekend to try to figure things out. Until then I will eat every 3 hours and rest when I need it and not worry about things.

Boys are aggravating me. I'm tired of seeing them when it is convenient for them.

School is going pretty well. I shouldn't say that yet, though. I'll be getting a history exam back tomorrow. [insert music of doom]

I don't know how well I'm handling this being alone thing. It's weird.
That's all.

Granted I don't get closed out of any classes I want, my schedule for next semester is amazing.
( And here it is )